When Saying Yes Feels Safer Than Saying No
Do you ever find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do just to keep the peace? Saying yes when you'd really rather say no? If so, you’re not alone. My name is Whitney, and I am a recovering people pleaser. Prior to a few years ago, I never would have attached that descriptor to myself, so let's dissect that.
Chronic people-pleasing is a deeply ingrained habit that often stems from a desire to be liked, avoid conflict, or maintain a sense of belonging. While it might seem harmless on the surface, constantly prioritizing others at your own expense can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and even burnout and a whole host of somatic symptoms.
The good news? You can unlearn this pattern and start setting healthy boundaries—without guilt or fear. Let’s explore why we fall into the people-pleasing trap and how to reclaim your voice.
What Is Chronic People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing isn’t just about being nice—it’s a pattern of behavior rooted in a deep fear of rejection or disappointing others. It can look like:
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Apologizing excessively, even when you’ve done nothing wrong
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Feeling responsible for other people’s happiness
- Struggling to ask for what you need
- Overextending yourself and feeling exhausted
While being kind and thoughtful are beautiful qualities, they shouldn’t come at the expense of your own well-being. Yep, I said it. We all have needs that are valid, and we are all deserving
Why Do We Say Yes When We Want to Say No?
This is no therapy session, and I'm unsure if I have enough bandwidth to list every possible reason, but for me, it's a mixed bag of numbers 1-4. Understanding the root of your people-pleasing goes a long way toward healing the pattern. Some common reasons include:
1. Fear of Disapproval: If you grew up in an environment where love and acceptance felt conditional, you may have learned that pleasing others was the safest way to secure approval.
2. Avoiding Conflict: Many people-pleasers associate saying no with confrontation, and they’d rather suffer in silence than risk making someone upset.
3. The Need for External Validation: When your sense of self-worth is tied to how much you do for others, saying no can feel like a failure.
4. Childhood Conditioning: If you were praised for being “the good kid” who always helped others, that role may have followed you into adulthood, making it difficult to prioritize yourself.
The problem? Saying yes to everything leaves little room for your own needs, dreams, and well-being.
How to Break Free from the People-Pleasing Pattern
Ground zero is - bringing awareness to your needs and desires, and yes, I know as a recovering PP that this is easier said than done, but alas, it is necessary, and dare I say, it gets easier with practice.
1. Start Small with Saying No
If saying no feels overwhelming, start with low-stakes situations. Practice declining minor requests, like opting out of an event you don’t feel like attending or turning down an extra task at work. The more you practice, the easier it will become.
📌 “Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t commit to that right now.”
2. Pause Before Responding
People-pleasers often agree to things automatically. Instead of immediately saying yes, try pausing and checking in with yourself first. Ask:
- Do I really want to do this?
- Will saying yes add to my stress?
- Am I saying yes out of obligation or genuine desire?
📌 “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” (This buys you time to consider your true response.)
3. Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Boundaries are not selfish—they’re essential. One of the many quotes I heard from my therapist is "You train people how to treat you." Ouch right, rude but fair. When you set boundaries, you teach others how to treat you and create space for your own well-being.
📌 “I appreciate the invite, but I need some downtime this weekend.”
4. Get Comfortable with Discomfort
At first, setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable, but discomfort is part of growth. The more you honor your needs, the more natural it will feel. Another zinger from "The Couch" is "No is a complete sentence." I think I remember being a little extra shifty in my seat that day, but it's true. "No." = Complete Sentence. And yes, it is most definitely uncomfortable.
5. Rewire Your Self-Worth
Your worth is not determined by how much you do for others. Begin affirming yourself in new ways:
- “I am valuable, even when I say no.”
- “My needs are just as important as others’.”
- “I deserve to take up space.”
6. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself as you unlearn this habit. It takes time to shift long-standing patterns, and setbacks are part of the process. Celebrate the small wins—each time you prioritize yourself, you’re making progress.
You Deserve to Honor Your Own Needs
You certainly don't need my permission, but I'm guessing if you landed here, it might help. While we're at it, might I suggest using "I deserve to honor my own needs" as a daily affirmation as you tackle breaking the people-pleasing pattern? The PPP isn’t something you’re stuck with forever. By recognizing the pattern, setting small boundaries, and practicing self-compassion, you can begin to reclaim your time, energy, and authenticity.
It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to prioritize yourself. And it’s more than okay to step into your power.
You don't have to go at it alone!
The Embodied Freedom Membership is launching soon to create a safe space to bring awareness, healing, and a sense of community to our wellness journeys. As an integrative somatic practitioner and board-certified health coach, I'm a big believer in a variety of tools and techniques for the "toolbox". Of course, the group may not be your jam, and that's ok too; I also offer 1:1 embodiment sessions that can be booked here.
Join the waitlist for The Embodied Freedom Membership and get started with The Freedom Quiz: Is People Pleasing Holding You Back? Here.
Let’s start this journey together. 💛